Overheard in a Cafe | www.missesmac.com

When Mr. Mac and I first found out we were going to be joining in the craziness of parenthood, we were living a rather cushy life over the ditch in Brisbane, Australia. We knew we wanted to return to the motherland (NZ) to have Baby Mac so we started to plan the big move. We thought we’d need a few months to get settled so planned the move for about 6 months in to our pregnancy. I naively thought that would give me a couple of months of work before settling down to be a stay at home Mum. Yeah right. Have you ever been to a job interview at 6 months pregnant? Their mouths might say, ‘not quite the skills we’re after,’ but their eyes say, ‘oh heeeelll no!’

So I found myself with 3 months of unemployment, no home in which to nest and terribly slow internet on my Mum’s farm. So what did I do? Well, I became a café rat. I could sniff out the free wifi a mile away. I had two favourites spots and pretty soon I was ordering ‘the usual’ on a daily basis. I had a favourite seat, I knew where the bathrooms were, the wifi password and pretty soon, I was referring to the staff by name. I tried to limit my spending to one hot beverage and one food item per day but after an hour or so you start to feel obliged to make another purchase. If it was getting busy, I’d leave. If not, I’d stay another half hour or so.

I quickly started to notice the conversations going on around me. People catching up on gossip, filling each other in on what was happening in their lives. I started to take note of the more interesting ones, sharing them on my personal Facebook page. My friends seemed to enjoy my ‘Café Tales’. “You should start a blog,” one of my friends commented one day. And you know what – I did! Here are my favourite conversations, overheard in a café:

Overheard in a Café:

“We’re in the supermarket and my 10 year old daughter asks in a loud voice ‘Mum, what’s a 69?’ So I tell her, ‘we don’t talk about that because it’s a sexual position!’ Later that night at dinner she tells her dad ‘I know what a 69 is dad, mum told me!’ He looks at me horrified so I quickly tell him what I said. He turns to our daughter and explains ‘well, one head’s at one end and the other, well it’s not there.’ She replies ‘thanks Dad, I get it now. I’m going to go draw it.'”

“He’s always going on about how hot my friends are. Like all the time. The other day he was saying how pretty he thought Gabby was. Finally I said, ‘You have to stop talking about my friends like that!’ He asks, ‘But why?’ I’m like ‘Because it’s creepy, Dad! They’re only 16!'”

“Jack’s class is starting to learn about sex education. Apparently there’s lots of giggling when it comes to saying ‘penis’ and ‘vagina’. To stop the giggles the teacher had each of them take turns to stand up and say each word in front of the whole class. So Jack gets up and says, ‘PENIS!’ in a loud voice and Mrs Smith says, ‘Good Jack! Everyone clap for Jack.'”

Two older ladies:
Lady 1 “So how’s Simon going?”
Lady 2 “He’s good. We’re starting to see glimpses of him stopping his full time gaming so that’s exciting.”
Lady 1 “Well that is exciting! Maybe he’ll even get a job.”
Lady 2 “That would be nice.”

Daughter to Mum: “Look Mum, in this day and age I just think it really pays to be vain and do what you need to do. I just want my eyebrows tattooed on and my boobs done. That’s it. Seriously – nothing. You should totally do it with me Mum. We can make a holiday of it! Let’s do it, Mum!”
Mum: silence.

But before I knew it my café rat days were over. Whiling away the hours on my own with a latté and a fat slice of decadent brownie a distant memory. Now my coffee is consumed luke-warm or in the car while simultaneously firing marshmallows at the monkey in the car seat behind me. But I’ll always have the memories.


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